June (the month of reflection)

JUNE 2019

Well its finally June and I couldn't be happier!

May was a miserable month and I am so glad its finally behind me. Although I did turn 25 which to me sounds completely crazy! I never really expected myself to get to this point. And Quinn did not lose his job which is HUGE! We had been living in limbo for a while there and it was only getting scary thinking about how we might survive if he had lost his job. He still hasn't decided if he wants to stay with the company and try to promote or if there is something else out there that he would like to explore, but either way he will still have a job while he thinks about it.

June has been really great so far. We FINALLY finished the deck we have been working on sense the end of April! it took longer then expected but we got it done within a month, now all that's left is to stain and seal it. We can't decide of we want to paint it or stain it though. Its been raining so much so we have had a lot of time to think about what we want, which I believe has made the process worse haha. We really need to just pick one and do it. We tend to be having that issue with a lot of things about the house. 

Cassie finally got her surgery we had been avoid for a while. She got her cyst removed! So thrilled because its made her life so much better! Speaking of better, Quinn has gotten his diabetes under control for the most part, we still have some issues or complications every now and then but he has finally started to feel and look healthier then he has in at least a year, which is so amazing for our relationship, I feel less like a caretaker now and more like a life partner! Now we are just trying to decide if we want to commit to starting to try and have a family, or if we want to just keep moving forward and working on the house. I haven't been on a consistent birth control other then condoms in almost 4 months because my body just needed a break from the previous IUD I had, and we haven't had any scares, but I have found a doctor up here finally, and will be getting the IUD in July. I have discussed with Quinn, the option of not using any contraception of any kind and see what happens. And if I don't get pregnant this month then that's that and I go through with the IUD. Either way we haven't decided if that is what we want, but I feel like if we are ever going to get pregnant it will definitely have to be an accident baby... because I don't think either of us WANTS to plan for a baby... ever. I go back and forth because I have no idea what I want, all I know for a fact is that my life right now is the best and easiest its ever been, and it might sound selfish and silly if I don't want to add a stressful and scary addition to the family (baby), but I have had a very difficult and trying life and maybe being selfish right now is what I need.

School is out for the summer, which has given me A LOT of time to think about myself, my life and what I want in this world. I think I have decided that I need to start working on one main thing that I love to do (I have so many...) and just dive right in. I want to see what my true potential is and the only way I can do that is if I fully commit... wither it be starting the website for my wearable painted items, or working on a series of paintings, losing the weight I keep telling myself I am going to, becoming a master piano player, (which is going well by the way!) jumping in and giving pole fitness my all... or having a baby...Easier said then done, right? 

But everything in me is telling me that a baby is not the option. And I don't know if I am the only one that is not interested, or if I am crazy... because I have yet to come across another person who is happily married, LDS and has absolutely no desire to have children. But if I have no desire, then aren't I being responsible by NOT having children? No one has ever convinced me otherwise, and I have never felt "baby hungry". I know there are women out there who would be disgusted that I choose not to have children when all they want is to have children, and physically can't. But I go back to my first point, which is if I don't want kids, or don't feel that I can handle it, aren't I being responsible by not having children?